Deja Vu

Today is Thursday, January 25, 2024 and I’ve had a rollercoaster of a week. What started on such a positive note has unfortunately taken a slight downward turn. I’m so glad it’s nothing major but for a second there I was really worried and started spiraling in my thoughts to ‘worst case scenarios’. Let’s back track and start at the beginning…As I mentioned in my last post, I’m so grateful that I’ve been feeling really good lately and with the weather being so wonderful I’ve really being enjoying more and more time outdoors. I had a great weekend spending time out in the desert with my in-laws on Friday and on Saturday I attended a lovely charity run event with my family where I got to catch up with so many friends whom I haven’t seen in a very, very long time. After that I went to support my daughter and watch her football league match where she played wonderfully. Since I’ve been spending more time outdoors lately I’m always careful to apply sunblock, wear my UPF clothing and carry my umbrella with me when I know I’ll be under the sun. There was something that I had noticed but kept it in my back of my head as I didn’t want to bring too much attention to it and start worrying excessively about…I noticed that I had slight trouble swallowing lately…I also noticed some sort of a rash on my wrists, ankles and chest/neck area (basically the only areas ever exposed to the sun these days). I had mentioned the rash to my dermatologist last week and she told me to apply a strong moisturizer but if it persisted after a week then I should go see her. With the slight discomfort in swallowing and this persistent rash not going away I started to worry…I contacted my rheumatologist on Monday about it and she asked me to get some bloodwork done on Tuesday then to pass by and see her so she could examine me. When she looked at my throat she saw some redness, no swelling thank God, but said I most likely caught a virus and that’s the cause. She said we’ll wait for the blood test results and see. As soon as I got home I received a call from the Amiri Hospital laboratory. A man asked if I had come in that morning for blood tests, I said ‘Yes, is there a problem?’…He told me my white blood cell count was very low and that I had to go to the ER as soon as possible. My heart stopped, a million thoughts ran through my mind but I kept my cool and asked my sister (who was over then) and my husband (who had just gotten back from the hospital with me) to take me back so I could go to the ER. We get into the car and head to the hospital. In the mean time I call my doctor to inform her…The first thing she says is ‘Lulu, don’t come to ER. The hospital is full of COVID cases and other viruses. Let me have a look at your results and I’ll let you know what to do.’ As I’m waiting for her to call me back, we’re still heading in the direction of the hospital, sort of in limbo as to what to do next. She calls back and confirms that yes my white blood cell count is low but it’s from the medication that I’m on and I most likely have an infection which has caused this drop. She told me I just need to stay home, isolate and rest and we’ll repeat the test in 48 hours and see. We U-turned, headed back home and I could slowly feel the adrenaline and anxiety within me subside. That was some unneeded stress on the three of us but I’m glad it played out that way and I didn’t end up unnecessarily in the ER for hours and hours. I’ve been home the past couple of days just feeling very fatigued and headachey, with no other symptoms thankfully. I went to Amiri early this morning to redo the blood test and check my WBC and الحمد لله it has gone up slightly. My doctor assured me it’s nothing to worry about and that I just need some time to recover from this. I’m so happy it’s nothing more than a virus that will eventually pass. After Amiri I went to see my dermatologist. After about an hour wait it was finally my turn. She saw the rash and immediately confirmed it was from the sun. I told her that I’ve been really careful while outdoor and under the sun though…Apparently my skin is extra photosensitive and I need to be more careful. Plus the winter sun is deceptive so be careful out there everyone. She gave me a bunch of ointments, and creams and shampoos, and oils, and hair tonics and the list just goes on and on. At one point during the consultation I ended up getting very emotional and started tearing up. All she did was ask me ‘So what do you have planned for the summer?’ But I couldn’t contain myself. Traveling is one of a few topics in my life right now that I don’t want to address or deal with. I honestly feel like what I’ve gone through is still so fresh and I’m so traumatized by what happened that I’m not ready to travel and be away from my doctors in case anything were to happen. I also don’t want to plan a trip and then worry that something might happen to me before we travel and we’ll have to cancel everything, or worse, something happens when we’re there! I understand that anything can happen to anyone at anytime and that I should just live my life without letting this disease dictate every decision I make but for now I’m scared…That’s just how I feel. I’m sure with time I’ll get over this fear and hopefully that day will come sooner rather than later. My derma session turned into a psyche session in which my doctor was saying all the right things I needed to hear…Now I just have to work on applying them.

I want to take minute and just say how grateful and appreciative I am to have the doctors that I have. Their availability, immediate response, accessibility, support, bed-side manners, their care and compassion are all truly remarkable. They make what I’m going through so much easier on me and I couldn’t imagine going through all this without them. I’m truly blessed and thankful to have them as my doctors.

اللهم إني أسألك رحمة من عندك للأطباء، تهدي بها قلبهم، وتجمع بها أمرهم، وتلُمّ بها شعثهم، وتردّ بها غائبهم، وترفع بها شاهدهم، وتزكي بها عملهم، وتلهمهم بها رشدهم، يا رب العالمين